Pokespe: Cards Against Humanity
by True M. Vega
Summary: Blue whips out the most offensive game ever, and expects everyone to play it. Fantastic, no? Some of the dex-holders are a bit more mature than others, too. Rated 'T' for some terms. Specialshipping and some mangaquestshipping if you look hard enough.


**I played this with my friends the other day, and then this happened. I hope you enjoy XD**

** Note, I'll be changing some of the card names to fit their universe better (I.e.: batman = crobatman)**

Blue hummed to herself as she dug through her dresser, throwing anything from clothes to knick-knacks to random objects behind her. She just _had _to find it! She simply had to! Blue was throwing a standard weekend gathering with her friends the next day, and she had remembered that she owned the single best party game ever spawned.

_Cards Against Humanity_.

_A party game for horrible people, _it said on the box, but it wasn't the people who played it that were horrible, it was the game itself. Players are given a black card that has a statement or question on it, and they must fill in the blank with any white card in their hand. These cards could range from anything sensible, like celebrities or objects, all the way to outrageous, violent, vulgar, lewd, or just plain gross phrases.

"Aha! I found it~!" Blue sang happily as she pulled the black rectangular box out of the very bottom drawer of the dresser. She may have dropped two-thousand poke dollars on it a couple years ago, but now was when it would pay off.

"But wait," Blue suddenly frowned, sitting down with the box in her lap. "Sure, it'll be fun for me, but what about the others?"

While she herself had nerves of steel regarding language and suggestive themes, not all of her friends did. Red probably wouldn't even get some of the more sexual cards, but he wouldn't mind everything else. Green, being his usual serious self, would probably groan and face-palm…she could live with that. Her mind then flitted to poor, innocent Yellow, and how many terms and pairs of words not normally placed together she would have to explain to her…

Blue shrugged. "I guess I could remove a few of the cards, just to be safe."

Gold would probably die of a laughter-induced stroke if he played this, not that anyone would mind in particular (except for Crystal, Blue giggled to herself). Silver was also pretty serious, like Green, but he'd be willing to let his guard down a bit in front of her…and then there was Crystal, the most serious gal of them all. Crystal was not only a dedicated and hard-working person, she was also a bit of a prude, and easily offended.

Blue set to work picking out some of the cards.

"Pixelated Bukkake?" Blue nearly choked. "Nobody needs to know what _that_ is.

She passed perfectly clean cards, such as 'My Sex Life' (**clean?!)**, 'A Gassy Stantler', and 'Growlithe Puppies!', all the while picking out ones that shan't be named, lest someone would be horribly offended.

"Ew!" Blue tossed one card in the reject pile. "Seriously, why would they make a card like that?"

After separating the good from the bad, she stored it away underneath her bed. Blue jumped on her bed, cackling like a witch stirring her pot. "This is gonna be so great! I just hope that it doesn't end in disaster." Blue shook her head. "Nah!"

XXXXXX

_The next day…_

So, what's this game you've been talking about, Blue-san?" A Yellow asked in her polite-as-usual tone.

Blue had to try very hard to prevent herself from breaking out into giggles. "You'll find out, Yellow dear. You'll learn lots tonight." Yellow gave her a strange look, but walked away nonetheless. Blue really loved Yellow; she was the sweetest girl she had ever met, and so innocent to boot. Hopefully, she'd scrape away enough of that innocence tonight so that Yellow would finally nerve up and tell Red that she liked him.

"If I could have everyone's attention, please!" Blue stood up on a picnic table, waving her arms in the air. The other six gathered around her.

"This better be good." Gold complained, picking his ear in boredom. Silver sent an unnoticed glare his way in retort.

"I'm sure you've all heard me talking about it, but I have the party game right here!" Blue held up the small black box containing the cards that would either make them laugh themselves silly or have such catastrophic results no one would ever come back to another one of these parties again.

"Okay, just a little disclaimer." Blue stated with authority. "This game can be a little…offensive."

Crystal rolled her eyes. "Then why are we playing it? People like Gold thrive off this stuff."

Gold was not offended, strangely. "Yeah, people like Gold get off on that kind of stu-hey! The hell are you throwing me under the bus for?!"

"You're such a pig!"

"Well, you're a prude!"

Silver covered his eyes with his hands. "Wow…just, wow."

The pair from Johto continued to argue as the others simply shook their heads. This was completely normal for them, after all. Finally, Blue's patience had run out.

"Gold, Crys! If you don't shut it, I'll just send you both home!" Blue sighed. "I want you guys to have fun, so let me continue to explain."

Gold crossed his arms, and Crystal looked away, a thick blush on her face. Those sufficed as apologies.

"As I was saying, this wonderful box right here (she shook it for added effect) contains a card game called _Cards Against Humanity_." She turned to Red and Green. "Have you guys heard of Apples to Apples?"

Green nodded. "I have."

Red shrugged. "Can't say for sure if I have. Never really like board games…"

"Anyway, regardless of whether you've heard of it or not, this is basically a more mature version. I guarantee laughs and giggles if we can all be mature adults, here. If not, we don't have to play it."

Green and Red looked at each other, a rare glint of mischief in the eyes of the former and a cheesy smile on the latter's face. "We're game."

Yellow gave a determined nod. _"If Red-san is playing, I must also! I'll impress him with my card choices!"_

Gold rubbed his hands together. "This is gonna be great! This game is _so _much fun, Silver. I promise you, you'll enjoy it, heck, even Miss Serious Gal over there will."

_"Maybe if I kick Gold's sorry ass in this game, he'll admit he's a complete tool, then I can kick his ass in real life!" _Crystal's mind was made up. It was time to open up a long-awaited can of whoop-ass on her perverted friend, card game style!

"Everyone ready?"

"Yep!"

"Yeah!"

"Sure."

"I'll try anything once."

Everyone's eyes flew to Silver, who had not realized how loaded his sentence of agreement was. "Uh…you guys get the picture."

"Alright, first things first!" Blue separated the black cards from the white ones ("**how racist", the author said under his breath.)**, and distributed ten white cards to each player. With Blue included, their was seven of them (Ruby and Sapphire weren't able to make it, unfortunately).

"Okay, here are the rules." Blue picked up the top card off of the black card pile. "I am the Card Czar, and I get to decide who has the best card combination." Blue set it face-down on the picnic table. "After each round, the Card Czar will rotate, beginning with me, then Red, Green, Silver, and so on."

Yellow raised her hand. "Forgive me, Blue-san, but it doesn't seem fair that we get to know who puts which card in."

Blue shook her head. "I'm afraid you're mistaken, Yellow. The thing is…" Blue leaned in real close, causing Yellow to back away a bit. "You don't know. Good question, though." Blue flipped the card over, and clapped her hands together. "All right, here's the first card! 'Why can't I sleep at night'"?

Everyone picked up their cards, and the reactions were extremely varied. Red constantly shifted between a 'wtf' face, amused grins, and a disgusted frown. Yellow wasn't reacting as sharply as Blue had originally thought, but once she had looked at her last card, she slammed them down on the table, her face beet-red. Gold began to laugh so hard he fell off the seat, and Silver and Crystal could only sigh. Green was the only one able to keep a straight face, and after looking at his cards thoroughly, he set them down.

Blue cleared her throat. "You guys can go, now."

The silence, except for Gold trying his best to not burst out laughing, was suffocating as everyone wordlessly put their cards in the pile…

"Okay, first up." Blue picked up the stack. "Why can't I sleep at night…Houndooms."

Crystal shrugged. "Makes sense, I guess."

Blue continued. "Why can't I sleep at night…my sex life."

Gold about lost it, not to mention Red, Green, and Silver had broken loose a bit and began to laugh. Yellow merely blushed and looked down, and Crystal crossed her arms defiantly.

"Why can't I sleep at night….doin' it in the butt…"

Blue actually began to laugh, also. The others, except Yellow, had started to ease in, laughing along with Blue. This was a good idea, Blue thought to herself.

"Why can't I sleep at night…Miley Cyrus at 55…phhtt!"

It took four cards, but Yellow actually began to laugh loudly with the group. Blue wiped tears from her eyes as she struggled to keep herself together.

"Why can't I sleep at night…inappropriate yodeling…!"

Another pretty good one, as it got Yellow to laugh, too.

"Why can't I sleep at night…aerodactyl attacks."

Silence. "Well, that was dark." Silver deadpanned.

Blue stifled laughter as she went through the cards again. "Who put 'Miley Cyrus at 55'?"

"That would be me." Green chuckled as he took the cards from her. Red and Yellow applauded him on his choice of cards.

"Okay, it's Red's turn." She turned to him. "Do exactly as I did, and you get to choose which card wins the round."

"Got it." He took the next black card from her and set it down in front of him. "The card says…'The Class Field Trip was Ruined by…'."

"Arceus…have mercy…" Crystal groaned as she set her card in the pile.

"I'm so going to Hell for this…" Gold chuckled as he pushed his card towards Red.

After some slight deliberation, everyone put in their choices. Red picked them up, and immediately his face showed horror.

"The class field trip was ruined by…foreskin…"

As expected, Gold began to laugh loudly, while the others cried out in disgust.

"What the hell, guys?!" Crystal moaned. She appeared to be unable to stifle giggles, though.

"Okay…" Red had managed to pull himself together. "The class field trip was ruined by…alcoholism."

A decent choice, in regards to the reactions.

"The class field trip was….phhttt!" Red couldn't contain himself. "Fiery poops…!"

Cue the laugh-gas bomb. Even Yellow thought that was absolutely hysterical, while the others, bar Green, were choking on their own laughter, red in the face.

"Arceus…" Red continued, nonetheless. "The class field trip was ruined by…All-you-can-eat Clauncher for $4.99."

Gold appeared quite confused. "That wouldn't ruin it, it would make it better!" The others seemed to agree.

"The class field trip was ruined by…bitches."

Gold let out an anguished cry. "Again…not ruining it!" The group found Gold's reaction funnier than the card itself…except for Crystal, who elbowed him in the ribs.

"The class field trip was ruined by…" Red suddenly looked quite appalled. "Blue…"

"Yeah?" Blue came over to him, a cunning smile on her face.

His cheeks turning his namesake, Red whispered in her ear. "What does this card mean?"

He had whispered loud enough of the others to hear, as Crystal and Yellow giggled at their senior's dense tendencies. Gold and Green could only lower their heads in pity.

"Oh, that's easy!" Blue came closer, and whispered something in Red's ear. The flush on his cheeks quickly spread to his ears as he set the card down. "…incest."

Oh, the humanity (get it?).

"Who put that?!"

"Gross!"

"You guys are so stupid!"

"That's hilarious!"

Various cries of anything ranging from distress to laughter to sheer embarrassment rang out as the group reacted to the card. Poor Red, who had set the card down in shame, looked down, unable to make eye contact with anyone in his embarrassment of lack of knowledge regarding anything sexual.

"Red-san…" Yellow put on hand on his shoulder in an effort to comfort him. "If it makes you feel any better, I didn't know what that meant, either."

Red smiled, truly encouraged by his friend's words. "Thanks, Yellow. It actually does."

_"R-red-san is smiling at me!" _Yellow thought to herself frantically, her cheeks darkening a bit.

"Anyway, back to the game!" Blue managed to get everyone back on the same page, and handed Green the next card. "Oh, Red! Who won?"

"Whoever put 'fiery poops'." He chuckled. It was actually Crystal, who received the cards with a smirk on her face.

"Okay, here we go." Green began, picking up the black card. "'Why do I hurt all over'?".

Everyone scanned their cards, and after much decision-making and resisting giggle fits, the other six put their cards next to Green. Green pushed his hair back, picked up the cards, and immediately sighed.

"Why do I hurt all over…the female orgasm."

Without warning, Crystal reared over and socked Gold square in the gut. "Sicko!"

"Wasn't me, jerk!"

"Of course it was! No one else would have the gall to put an answer like that!"

"Hey, enough." Green brought the group's attention back to him. "Why do I hurt all over…explosions."

A few laughs, but only because it made sense. Red and Green had lived through enough explosions to find that only slightly ironic.

"Why do I hurt all over…powerful thighs."

Silver and Blue found that somewhat funny, as it was more random than anything. Not a bad choice at all.

"Why do I hurt all over…a zesty breakfast burrito."

For some reason, Yellow began to laugh. She quickly covered her mouth with her hands in an attempt to keep herself quiet.

"Why do I hurt all over…" Green himself, the one who was always expressionless, stifled a laugh. "A tribe of warrior women."

Okay, _that _was a good card. Blue, while laughing, could only think of Ruby and Sapphire, as Sapphire's wild-child tendencies had gotten Ruby hurt more times than he could count on his fingers.

"Okay, last one." The others had to pull it together in order to hear the final card. "Why do I hurt all over…" Again, Green was momentarily stunned by trying to keep himself from laughing. "Ten-thousand volts straight to the nipples…"

The cacophony of laughter that came from the guys was deafening, and even Yellow had fallen prey to the cards that seemed to match up perfectly. Red pounded his fist against the table, and Silver and Gold were hugging each other in their delirious, laugh-induced high.

"Who put that?" Green had finally recovered.

No one said anything at first, but then Crystal piped up. "It was me."

Shock permeated the whole group as Green handed Crystal her won cards. It was now Silver's turn, who while reluctant, was determined to win this game.

They played into the night, and eventually, it had began to become dark outside. It was a close game, with Gold and Red tied for lead, with Silver and Green not too far behind. Yellow was the current card czar, and the fated black card was something they had never seen before.

"Make…a haiku?" Yellow asked.

"Awesome!" Blue clapped her hands. "We can end the game with this one, since there's been about twenty turns, not to mention we have a tie between Red and Gold."

Green yawned. "Good. I gotta get back to the gym, anyway."

The other nodded in agreement. As per the instructions, all players were to draw two extra cards. Red, who had managed to pick up the slack, placed his three cards down confidently. Green put his cards down without a second thought. Gold slammed his down, muttering something about 'shitty cards'. Silver slid his in calmly, with a hint of blush on his cheeks. Blue put her cards down with a wink to Yellow, which the blonde girl didn't know how to interpret. Finally, Crystal handed her cards to Yellow sweetly, as if trying to mask anger or disgust.

"Okay, um…" She looked to Blue. "How do I do this?"

"You just read them in the order they're given, but do it dramatically, like reading a haiku." Blue giggled.

"Okay…" She picked up the first stack, her fingers trembling. "The gays…famine…Auschwitz."

Not much of a reaction there, except from Gold.

"Umm…Catapults…crippling debt…German…" Yellow suddenly blanched. "…dungeon porn."

Another torrent of laughs, mainly from the guys. "Ew…" Crystal groaned.

Yellow ceased giggling. "Necrophilia…grave robbing…Man meat…"

Okay, not that funny. "Gross." Yellow trying to shake that sinking feeling that that was Red's haiku.

Yellow continued. "Full-frontal nudity…n-nipple…blades…" Yellow struggled a bit. "A bitch slap?"

"Nipple blades?" Silver questioned, more appalled than amused. "Blue, I'm beginning to question your sanity."

Blue fake-pouted, inching over to him. "Aw, don't be like that, Silvy~." She giggled uncontrollably. "You've learned a lot tonight, haven't you?" Silver could only blush in response.

"Land mines…a mating display…mutually-assured destruction!"

For the umpteenth time that night, these eighteen to twenty-three-year-olds burst out in immature giggles and laughter at a mere combination of words. I mean, come on! If you have two pokemon mating…on land mines…eh, you get the picture.

"That's so mean, but funny, regardless." Yellow wiped her eyes. "Okay, last one."

Both Red and Gold pushed forward at the announcement, as this card would possibly decide who would win.

"A mr. mime having a stroke…vigorous jazz hands…" Yellow's eyes widened. "Some Arceus-damned peace and quiet."

The hysterics returned for the last time that night, as could only sigh, a bright smile on her face. She knew which combination won, and she could only pray to Arceus or Lugia or Rayquaza that it was Red's.

"Who made the last one?"

"Me!" Red shot up, grabbing the cards from poor Yellow's hand. Red, finally victorious, began to run around the yard, cheering and whooping. Gold sulked, but was glad to have been outmatched by someone he respected, at least.

Finally, after an arduous night of laughs and disgust, Blue picked up the cards and put them away as Silver and Green cleaned up the food and other party stuff. Red, still happy from his victory, ran to Yellow, scooped her up in a big hug, and began to swing her around, laughing all the while.

"Thanks, Yellow! You're such an awesome judge!" Red laughed as he finally set the dizzy girl down.

"You're welcome, Red…" The short girl blushed and turned away, afraid she might faint from such close contact wit her beloved. "I didn't know those were your cards, though."

Red shrugged, smiling. "I know, but I still trusted you to pick mine." Red's demeanor suddenly changed. "Hey, I know this is sudden, but…" His own cheeks tinged crimson. "Do you wanna…maybe…hang out, tomorrow?"

Yellow couldn't believe her ears. Her beloved, Red, who was her savior, to boot, was asking her out on date. Red had never been proficient with things related to love, so this not only shocked Yellow, but everyone else.

"S-sure…" Yellow replied timidly. "Of course I will…"

Before anyone else could move, Blue suddenly leaped on Yellow, 'awww'ing all the way. "That is just precious!" She looked to Red, who was still blushing deeply. "You know, Red…this is one step closer to living together…"

"Noooooo!" Red and Yellow cried at the same time, mortified by the remembrance of that old inside joke. Blue and the others could only laugh at the fledgeling lovers.

**This was merely something to get my writing drive going. Sorry about the wait for the Fairy Tail story, Neko and I are still figuring things out. As for Yellow's Plight, I have half a chapter written, and I plan to finish it this week. Stay tuned!**


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